Communication in Marriage

There are 3 ways we communicate with others: words, tone of voice, and non-verbal actions. What if our tone of voice doesn't match our words? What if our words don't match our body language? How do you know what is really being communicated? A study was done on what people tend to pay attention to the most:

Words - 14%
Tone - 35%
Non-Verbal - 51%
Total - 100%

How interesting that most people pay attention to tone of voice and non-verbal actions much more than they pay attention to words.

I believe that effectively communicating, especially in a marriage, takes practice. It is not something that comes naturally to us. We have to learn how to communicate.

Here are just a few tips we discussed in class:

• When a problem arises, don't place the blame on your spouse. Rather than saying "You need to fix this", you might trying saying "We need to work on this together." Tackle problems as a couple, and share responsibilities.
• Reverse your 'buts'. Rather than saying, "I love you, but you are making me frustrated", you might try saying "You are making me frustrated, but I love you." It places the emphasis on the positive, and communicates unconditional love.
• Remember to change how you communicate as you change your method of communication. For example, in e-mails and text messages, there is no tone of voice or non-verbal cues to rely on. Your words will say everything. Use punctuation, smiley faces, "please" and "thank you". Use whatever it takes to make the communication clear. And NEVER have important conversations through e-mail or texting. If a disagreement has arisen, always make the time to discuss it in person - face to face. 

There is a book called "Counseling With Our Councils" by M. Russell Ballard. Although it focuses on other types of council, the principles still remain, and can be applied to counseling within the family. 

Another good reference for how to counsel within the family - Ephesians 4:26-32

"Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth."

Family Stress and Coping

Stress is a part of life. No matter how much we may try to run from it, we will experience stress at one point or another. When stress is experienced in a family setting, it affects more than just one individual. This week in class we discussed how to deal with stress as a family - not as separate individuals - but how to really communicate and work together as a family to overcome the trial.

Reuben Hill came up with a model for coping with stress. This model is referred to as the 'ABCX' Model.

A = Actual Events that occurred to cause stress
B = Both resources available to deal with stress
C = Cognition, or perspective

All of these add up to X, the total eXperience of dealing with stress.

The part of this model I want to focus on is the 'C', the perspective on the situation. We cannot always control what happens to us, but we can control our attitude and how we respond to situations.

In Chinese calligraphy, crisis is spelled by combining the words 'danger' and 'opportunity'. A crisis may appear as a danger to family relationships, but we can really view it as an opportunity for growth.

Think of going to the gym and lifting weights. How do we get our muscles stronger? By first breaking them down.

I believe it is the same in our families. Although experiences may seem like they are tearing relationships apart, we can use them as an opportunity to grow back together stronger than before.

There is always something to be grateful for, and I believe in looking for the positive in everything.

Teaching Children About Marital Intimacy

Part of being a parent is teaching your children - even when it comes to sensitive topics like intimacy. How do you appropriately teach a child about intimacy, especially at young ages? 

I am not a parent yet, so I have not had any personal experience with this. However, we discussed in class some key points for teaching children about intimacy.

• Teach that intimacy should be saved for marriage. Intimacy has two main purposes: to bring children into this world, and to bring the couple closer together. It gives them an opportunity to share something with their spouse they have never shared with anyone else. If they have been running around before marriage sharing this gift of intimacy with several people, how is it going to mean anything different in a marriage?
• Teach your children about intimacy, or the world will. And the world degrades the body, and sexual intimacy. The media portrays intimacy as a recreational hobby to be done at any age, any time, and with whomever you want. Teach the sacredness of intimacy, and it's true intended purpose. When my mother gave me the birds and the bees talk, I will never forget how serious she was about it. I could tell from her tone of voice how sacred the subject was. Because of that, I was able to ignore what I heard at school and reflect on what I knew about the true purpose of intimacy. When I had questions, I knew I was able to ask her, rather than questioning other peers at school. 
• Teach that the feelings of attraction, and the desire for intimacy is normal! God created our bodies this way, and it is not wrong to have those feelings. However, children need to understand the purpose of learning self-control and handling those feelings in an appropriate manner until marriage.
• If children grow up understanding the purpose of intimacy, it may relieve stress on their own wedding night.
• As children are taught in the home, it can combat the dirty and degrading jokes they may hear about sex at school.
• Use correct terminology of the body from the beginning. If we come up with cute little names for private parts, it may seem like a game or a joke to the child. For example, rather than using the term 'pee pee', teach little boys the correct term. 
• On the LDS Website, there is 'A Parent's Guide' on how to teach your children at all ages about their bodies and intimacy.  "The Lord placed upon parents the responsibility to teach their children to understand the proper use of procreative powers. This responsibility cannot be given to another. These powers are to be used only within the sanctity of lawful marriage relationships. As a parent, you can best help your children to see their procreative powers in a purse, chaste, and divine perspective, rather than in the strictly physical view of the world."

I am an advocate of intimacy being saved for marriage, and the blessings that can come from that. In order for these attitudes to be passed onto children, we have to be proactive to teach it to them! 

Challenges of Early Marriage.

When a couple first gets married, there are many challenges to overcome.

• Distribution of responsibilities
• Lifestyle - eating and sleeping habits
• Budget
• Learning to make decisions together
• Leaving other social circles behind
• Accommodating schedules
• Physical intimacy

I'm sure you can think of other challenges that will be experienced, but those are the main ones we discussed as a class. 

Couples that are well on their way to divorce have at least 10 areas of significant difference between them - meaning, they have differing views on those areas.

Couples with high marital satisfaction have at least 10 areas of significant difference between them. 

That's right - areas of difference. Both types of couples have at least 10 areas of significant difference. Places where they disagree, or have opposing views. 

So, why the difference in marital satisfaction?

It comes down to accommodation and understanding. You must care at least as much about what your partner wants as what you want. Marriage is a time to learn to put our spouse's needs above our own. We need to have love and respect for the other. It doesn't mean that you must come to have the same opinion on everything, but learn how to accommodate each other. For example, sleeping habits. Husband sleeps better when he is cold, and wife sleeps better when she is hot. How can these two sleeping habits be brought into the same bedroom? Try having a fan aimed only on the husband. Have the wife sleep with more blankets on her. 

Some problems may take brainstorming and discussion, but get creative! Work together, and make decisions as a couple.

Most importantly, appreciate each other. Point out why you love and appreciate your spouse. Say thank you - at least 10 times a day. Look for the positive in your spouse, and withhold judgement.