Lessons on Marriage.

Well folks, the semester is over. Today was the very last day of classes. It's been a whirlwind of a semester, but I am so grateful for all of the experiences I have had. Particularly with this class. I have learned so much that will apply to real life, and I will use time and time again. In class this week, Brother Williams shared a video that I have seen many many times. But, he had us take a different perspective on it. I was so surprised at what I was able to learn! Watch this beautiful arrangement by Jon Schmidt and Steven Sharp Nelson of "Love Story" and "Viva La Vida".

Now. See if you can relate it to marriage. What analogies can be made? 

I'll share a couple we came up with in class.

• Each person started out playing a different song, but they came together in the end to play one beautiful melody. Growing up, we start out creating our own story. Marriage is about coming together to create one story together. 
• Although each song sounded pretty by itself, when they came together, it was magic! Marriage is magic! As a couple comes together to combine their stories, it makes for a much better ending :)
• The video itself doesn't show this, but we know it took practice and time for them to play a beautiful melody together. Marriage takes time and practice. We will not be perfect at making a marriage work in the beginning, but as couples work together, they can create a marriage that is worthy of lasting for eternity.
• Each of the instruments they were using to create their marriage are expensive brands. We choose the kind of marriage we are going to create. When a couple is sealed in the temple for eternity, they are choosing to create a marriage that will bring them home to live with their Father in Heaven again.
• Their were parts of the song that were louder, and parts that were softer. Marriage will help its up and downs. But, we can choose to use those down times to draw closer as a couple, and be well on our way to a better day! 
• Each person took a time to shine in this song. There were times when Jon took the lead, and times when Steven took the lead. So it is with marriage. There ought to be a time for the wife to shine, and there ought to be a time for the husband to shine. 

Parenting

Parenting is no easy task. So why parent?

There are several reasons:

• It is an opportunity to learn to love as our Heavenly Father loves us.
• We get a chance to become a co-creator with God.
• Building the attachment bond. 
• We can learn from children, and they can learn from us.

When caring for children, they have basic needs that need to be addressed. And I'm not talking about food, water, shelter.Although those are important, there are other needs we may not always consider.

Contact and belonging.

Everybody needs to have physical contact with other humans beings. We need to be touched, and to feel like we belong somewhere. The touch can be as simple as a high five, a hug, or a kiss. Even boys need physical contact. They just may seek it out in different ways - such as wrestling and football. 

Power.

Children want to feel powerful. They want to feel like they are in control of their choices. Common power struggles between parents and children occur in nap time, meal times, and picking out clothes. How can you reconcile these differences? Give children choices, but only choices you are willing to comply with. For example, pick out two or three outfits you would be fine with your child wearing. Then, let your child choose from those outfits. It gives them the chance to make their own choices.

Withdrawl.

Everybody needs a chance to pull back from life, and relax. Allow your child time to withdraw from homework, school,  and stress. Allow them to have time to do what they enjoy.

Protection.

Children need to be feel protected, and taken care of. 

Challenge. 

Children need to be challenged. They need to be given the opportunity to stretch themselves, and to do something outside of their comfort zone. 

Working as a Family

What is the point of work? Why can't we just get everything we need for free?

Work means earning what you have. It causes you to treasure what it is you have worked for. Think of when you were a child, and your parents provided everything for you. Then, as you got older, your probably started to pay for some of your own items - whether it was clothes, food, or housing. How did you treat these items differently? I know that for me personally, I treasure things so much more when I have worked for it. When it is something I bought with my own money, I am much more careful about I use the item, and I  tend to be a lot more grateful. Work brings happiness and satisfaction.

Work used to be called 'living'. Now, people seek out the highest paying jobs requiring the least amount of work. We have become lazy.

What would happen if we worked only for necessity, rather than working to become as rich as possible?

It would allow us more time to spend with our families, and we just might find that we are better able to enjoy the work we do.

Teach children the value of work by working as a family, and show them what blessings and benefits come from work.

Communication in Marriage

There are 3 ways we communicate with others: words, tone of voice, and non-verbal actions. What if our tone of voice doesn't match our words? What if our words don't match our body language? How do you know what is really being communicated? A study was done on what people tend to pay attention to the most:

Words - 14%
Tone - 35%
Non-Verbal - 51%
Total - 100%

How interesting that most people pay attention to tone of voice and non-verbal actions much more than they pay attention to words.

I believe that effectively communicating, especially in a marriage, takes practice. It is not something that comes naturally to us. We have to learn how to communicate.

Here are just a few tips we discussed in class:

• When a problem arises, don't place the blame on your spouse. Rather than saying "You need to fix this", you might trying saying "We need to work on this together." Tackle problems as a couple, and share responsibilities.
• Reverse your 'buts'. Rather than saying, "I love you, but you are making me frustrated", you might try saying "You are making me frustrated, but I love you." It places the emphasis on the positive, and communicates unconditional love.
• Remember to change how you communicate as you change your method of communication. For example, in e-mails and text messages, there is no tone of voice or non-verbal cues to rely on. Your words will say everything. Use punctuation, smiley faces, "please" and "thank you". Use whatever it takes to make the communication clear. And NEVER have important conversations through e-mail or texting. If a disagreement has arisen, always make the time to discuss it in person - face to face. 

There is a book called "Counseling With Our Councils" by M. Russell Ballard. Although it focuses on other types of council, the principles still remain, and can be applied to counseling within the family. 

Another good reference for how to counsel within the family - Ephesians 4:26-32

"Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth."

Family Stress and Coping

Stress is a part of life. No matter how much we may try to run from it, we will experience stress at one point or another. When stress is experienced in a family setting, it affects more than just one individual. This week in class we discussed how to deal with stress as a family - not as separate individuals - but how to really communicate and work together as a family to overcome the trial.

Reuben Hill came up with a model for coping with stress. This model is referred to as the 'ABCX' Model.

A = Actual Events that occurred to cause stress
B = Both resources available to deal with stress
C = Cognition, or perspective

All of these add up to X, the total eXperience of dealing with stress.

The part of this model I want to focus on is the 'C', the perspective on the situation. We cannot always control what happens to us, but we can control our attitude and how we respond to situations.

In Chinese calligraphy, crisis is spelled by combining the words 'danger' and 'opportunity'. A crisis may appear as a danger to family relationships, but we can really view it as an opportunity for growth.

Think of going to the gym and lifting weights. How do we get our muscles stronger? By first breaking them down.

I believe it is the same in our families. Although experiences may seem like they are tearing relationships apart, we can use them as an opportunity to grow back together stronger than before.

There is always something to be grateful for, and I believe in looking for the positive in everything.

Teaching Children About Marital Intimacy

Part of being a parent is teaching your children - even when it comes to sensitive topics like intimacy. How do you appropriately teach a child about intimacy, especially at young ages? 

I am not a parent yet, so I have not had any personal experience with this. However, we discussed in class some key points for teaching children about intimacy.

• Teach that intimacy should be saved for marriage. Intimacy has two main purposes: to bring children into this world, and to bring the couple closer together. It gives them an opportunity to share something with their spouse they have never shared with anyone else. If they have been running around before marriage sharing this gift of intimacy with several people, how is it going to mean anything different in a marriage?
• Teach your children about intimacy, or the world will. And the world degrades the body, and sexual intimacy. The media portrays intimacy as a recreational hobby to be done at any age, any time, and with whomever you want. Teach the sacredness of intimacy, and it's true intended purpose. When my mother gave me the birds and the bees talk, I will never forget how serious she was about it. I could tell from her tone of voice how sacred the subject was. Because of that, I was able to ignore what I heard at school and reflect on what I knew about the true purpose of intimacy. When I had questions, I knew I was able to ask her, rather than questioning other peers at school. 
• Teach that the feelings of attraction, and the desire for intimacy is normal! God created our bodies this way, and it is not wrong to have those feelings. However, children need to understand the purpose of learning self-control and handling those feelings in an appropriate manner until marriage.
• If children grow up understanding the purpose of intimacy, it may relieve stress on their own wedding night.
• As children are taught in the home, it can combat the dirty and degrading jokes they may hear about sex at school.
• Use correct terminology of the body from the beginning. If we come up with cute little names for private parts, it may seem like a game or a joke to the child. For example, rather than using the term 'pee pee', teach little boys the correct term. 
• On the LDS Website, there is 'A Parent's Guide' on how to teach your children at all ages about their bodies and intimacy.  "The Lord placed upon parents the responsibility to teach their children to understand the proper use of procreative powers. This responsibility cannot be given to another. These powers are to be used only within the sanctity of lawful marriage relationships. As a parent, you can best help your children to see their procreative powers in a purse, chaste, and divine perspective, rather than in the strictly physical view of the world."

I am an advocate of intimacy being saved for marriage, and the blessings that can come from that. In order for these attitudes to be passed onto children, we have to be proactive to teach it to them! 

Challenges of Early Marriage.

When a couple first gets married, there are many challenges to overcome.

• Distribution of responsibilities
• Lifestyle - eating and sleeping habits
• Budget
• Learning to make decisions together
• Leaving other social circles behind
• Accommodating schedules
• Physical intimacy

I'm sure you can think of other challenges that will be experienced, but those are the main ones we discussed as a class. 

Couples that are well on their way to divorce have at least 10 areas of significant difference between them - meaning, they have differing views on those areas.

Couples with high marital satisfaction have at least 10 areas of significant difference between them. 

That's right - areas of difference. Both types of couples have at least 10 areas of significant difference. Places where they disagree, or have opposing views. 

So, why the difference in marital satisfaction?

It comes down to accommodation and understanding. You must care at least as much about what your partner wants as what you want. Marriage is a time to learn to put our spouse's needs above our own. We need to have love and respect for the other. It doesn't mean that you must come to have the same opinion on everything, but learn how to accommodate each other. For example, sleeping habits. Husband sleeps better when he is cold, and wife sleeps better when she is hot. How can these two sleeping habits be brought into the same bedroom? Try having a fan aimed only on the husband. Have the wife sleep with more blankets on her. 

Some problems may take brainstorming and discussion, but get creative! Work together, and make decisions as a couple.

Most importantly, appreciate each other. Point out why you love and appreciate your spouse. Say thank you - at least 10 times a day. Look for the positive in your spouse, and withhold judgement. 

Dare to Date.

Dating is a part of culture. Or is it? 'Hanging out' has become the new form of dating. But there seem to be some problems with simply 'hanging out'. When you spend time only hanging out, you miss out on real opportunities to get to know the person. You miss out on conversations that can only happen in a dating situation. You have to compete for attention. On a date, you have the attention of the individual you asked out.

So, what constitutes a date? You may have heard of the 3 P's: Planned, paired off, and paid for.

Interestingly enough, in the Proclamation to the World, there are another set of P's given. A father's responsibility is to preside, protect, and provide.

How do these 3 P's match up?

Paired off = Protect
Planned = Preside
Paid for = Provide

Dating is good practice for marriage. Dare to date! It may just give you insights as you search for someone you can spend forever with.

Boys or Men?

A parent is playing with their 4 year old son at the park. The boy trips, and falls on the bark. What is the parent's typical response?

"You are okay, let's go play on the swings."

What are we really teaching by giving that response?

"You fell down, and even if it hurt, don't acknowledge your feelings. Your feelings aren't valid, so we are going to pretend you never fell."

When that boy gets to be a teenager, and he starts dating, how can you expect him to be a man? He has been taught that his feelings aren't valid, and that he can't show the tender side of his emotions. We are teaching young boys not to show emotion, but then when they become men, we expect them to all of a sudden display all these emotions - compassion, love, and tenderness - especially when it comes to how to treat a lady.

I am not saying that we should baby our children, but it wouldn't be wrong to acknowledge what they are feeling. Acknowledge what happened - "You fell down!" Acknowledge the emotion you may see on their face - "You look sad." Let them know that it is okay to feel sad, but don't dwell on it. Acknowledge, and move on.

Then we are raising boys to be men, right from the beginning.

A Fish Out of Water

Culture is a part of growing up. We become accustomed to society, and the way those around us live. But what happens when we are pulled out of our own culture? Our culture is like water is to a fish. We don't realize what we are living in until we are pulled out of it, or there is some dramatic change to our culture.  One culture that is very individualized is the family we grew up in. Each family has their quirks, and things that set them apart from others. Man, I sure love my family! As I thought about my family's culture, I realized a few things that I have carried on, even though I am living away from my family:

•  Religious beliefs.
• My Dad's sarcasm and corny jokes.
• My brother's use of pick up lines.
• My Mom's work ethic.
• My brother's love of cooking. 

Think about your own family. How have they influenced you? How would you be different without their culture?

Be Happy Now!

"Complaining is an adult's way of crying."

I heard this phrase in class, and it has been stuck on my mind ever since. Children cry for attention - whether that be to satisfy a need or want. As adults, we are generally doing the same thing when we complain. We are seeking attention for a variety of reasons. Elder Holland, an apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, said, "No misfortune is so bad that whining about it won't make it worse." As Brother Williams pointed out in class today, "Nobody likes to be around a complainer. It's not sexy or attractive." How do we learn to stop complaining? I believe it is all in our attitude. Happiness is a choice! The only difference between a burden and a blessing is our attitude. One thing that has personally helped me is to keep a gratitude journal, and visibly count the ways the Lord has blessed me that day. When we take the time to realize and acknowledge all of the good in our lives, we come to understand that there are no bad days. There may be bad moments, or hard hoops we have to jump through, but the good will always outweigh the bad. And if it doesn't, it's not the end. So be happy now, and stop complaining. Complaining won't change anything, and you will only make yourself more miserable. 

 If you are interested in reading or listening to the rest of Elder Holland's address, here it is! The Tongue of Angels

Defining the Family.

In our changing world today, it can be hard to define what is truth, and what is not. There are five main ways we can come to believe something is true:

• Empiricism (experiencing something for ourselves)
• Rationalism
• Scientific Method (combination of empiricism and rationalism)
• Authority (trusting the experts)
• Revelation

Which source of truth do we rely on the most? In my personal life, I rely on sources of revelation. We are blessed to live in a day where we have a living prophet who receives revelation from God. One of the things we have received revelation on is the family. The world's definition of family is changing, and the importance of families is being severely undermined. In 1995, President Gordon B. Hinckley gave "The Family: A Proclamation To The World." I know that everything he spoke of is true. The family is central to the creator's plan, and that plan is for everyone, not just members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. 

THE FAMILY

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A PROCLAMATION TO THE WORLD

The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

WE, THE FIRST PRESIDENCY and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.

ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

IN THE PREMORTAL REALM, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.

THE FIRST COMMANDMENT that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

WE DECLARE the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.

HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.

THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.

WE WARN that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

WE CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.

Happy Friday!

Hello everyone!

My name is Sarah Owen, and I am studying Preschool Education and Child Development at BYU-Idaho in Rexburg. It is my second to last semester before I graduate, which is exciting and terrifying! I have thoroughly enjoyed my time here, and I am grateful for the learning opportunities I have had. This university has molded me into a better person, and it has changed my perspective on many things. One of those is the family. This semester I am taking a family relations class, and this blog will be my online journal. I will share with you what I am learning in the class, and add any insights I have! This is my first time using a blog, so we will see how it goes... :)